The Friendship Gap in Motherhood

Building a village

I have never been alone less and yet felt more lonely.

That’s a hard truth to write, but it feels like the reality of this season of life: being a stay-at-home mom to two young kids who aren’t in school yet.

My birthday is this week, and I’ve found myself feeling lonely. Not because I don’t have a wonderful husband or extended family who just spoiled me with dinner at my favorite restaurant, but because I don’t have a group of girlfriends making dinner plans to celebrate another trip around the sun with me.

It isn’t the getting older part of birthdays that feels hard. It’s the longing for connection and friendship that has me feeling a little Eeyore-ish about this birthday.

A little backstory.

About a year ago, my family moved to a new town. I had a two-year-old and was six months pregnant. Before becoming a stay-at-home mom, I spent 15 years as a special education teacher — always surrounded by kids, coworkers, noise, and community. I never imagined that in my late 30s I’d be trying to figure out how to make friends again.

But how does a stay-at-home mom with kids too young for school build a new village?

I’d like to think I’m a good friend. My best friend and I have known each other since we were three years old, and we still talk daily. I have a solid group of high school girlfriends with a very active group text, even though we now live in different states. And I’ve collected a few deeply meaningful friendships along the way as I’ve grown into adulthood.

But this phase of life feels harder.

My friends without kids are simply in a different stage of life. I cherish the time we spend together, but it’s often few and far between, and maintaining connection takes more effort than it once did.

And because I had kids later than many of my friends, even the friends who are moms have moved beyond this stage. They’re navigating preschool pickups, kindergarten friendships, and sports schedules while I’m still deep in nursing sessions, wake windows, and nap schedules.

So where does a new-to-town, stay-at-home mom actually meet other like-minded moms?

The playground.

I toured nearly every playground in town. I showed up with snacks, a smile, and the willingness to talk to anyone who even glanced in my direction. I went consistently, often at the same times, and after a few weeks I finally worked up the courage to introduce myself and ask for phone numbers.

And it worked. I made one friend from the park.

Then came the park district classes.

I signed my daughter up for every toddler class I could find because I figured maybe other moms were looking for connection too. By the end of one six-week playgroup, I had exchanged numbers with two more moms.

Then I took a bigger leap and posted on the town Facebook page.

I introduced myself, shared a photo of our family, and admitted we were new to town and hoping to meet people. The response was overwhelming. We met another young family at a beer garden. I met a mom at the park one afternoon. Several women messaged me saying they were in the exact same phase of life and would happily meet for a walk.

And maybe that’s the thing no one really tells you about motherhood and friendship: everyone is waiting for someone else to go first.

While I wouldn’t change being home with my kids during this season, it absolutely comes with challenges. And yes, I’m still sitting here a little sad that there’s no girlfriends’ dinner reservation on the calendar for my birthday this week. No group photo posted with a caption about sisterhood and decades of friendship.

But I’m starting to believe that maybe the friendships I’m building now could eventually become that.

And thankfully, birthdays come around every year if we’re lucky.

There will be other dinners.
Other celebrations.
Other ordinary Tuesdays that turn into lifelong friendships.